I thought you were caught!!

From: Ms. Pez < Amber@gmail.com>
Wed, Dec 24, 2008 at 9:18 AM
To: Him

These messages were sent while you were offline.

9:18 AM  Amber: some kind of confirmation that you’re not dead or that’s everything’s okay would be really nice here because now I am really worried.
From: him@gmail.com
Date: Sat,
Dec 27, 2008 at 3:22 AM
To: “Ms. Pez” <

Hi, everything is fine. I didn’t mean to worry you. Many things have been going on the past couple of days. Mainly, I have been sick… a rare thing that is not a lot of fun. I feel like have been sleeping 15 hours a day in 3 or 4 hours shifts. Between my not feeling well, my trying to solve my own problems and having no time to myself during the past few days I have been out of touch. How was your Christmas? Hope things are welll with you.

9:18 AM Pez: some kind of confirmation that you’re not dead or that’s everything’s okay would be really nice here because now I am really worried.

From: pez < Amber@gmail.com>
Sat, Dec 27, 2008 at 9:06 AM
To: him


Not thank God that you were sick by any means (of course not) but I am just SO THANKFUL, SO THANKFUL, SO THANKFUL, that everything’s ok.  Holy smokes.  You have NO IDEA how much I’ve been freaking out the last week.  Last I talked to you was Monday and you were sounding so unsure about answering the multiple questions and these were my thoughts:

1) well, Wife must have found out and the inquisition is probably lasting all night long….that’s of course why he can’t get online to tell me

2) (next morning)-well…..hmmmm…oh no!  She must have kicked him out of the house!  OH MY GOSH!

3) well wait….if she kicked him out of the house he would’ve gone to his mom’s and she has internet….so that can’t be it.

4) Maybe he got in an accident!

5) Maybe he’s in the hospital!!! Should I call the hospital???? NO!  I can’t do that….because Wife would be there and she would wonder how the hell I knew he was in the hospital.

6) (Christmas Eve night) I know what it is…I hurt his feelings and he’s just trying to not talk to me because that’s what he thinks I want.  He’s trying to do the right thing….Well God bless his soul!…..but what a jerk because he’s not even telling me things are okay!  Oh Thank God things are okay.

7) Well, I’ll still check my email just in case but I’m pretty sure he just won’t email me.  Maybe I can corner him at church and force him to tell me if things are okay.

Not to mention God really used this time to kick my ars!  I was so consumed with worry it was killing me.  I literally couldn’t get away from the guilt and worry.  About Christmas Eve is when I decided I can’t do this anymore (worry) and I just started praising God.  So everytime worry came, I kicked it’s ass out!  Then God showed me I really really really don’t want Bambi to lose trust in me especially after all this has happened with her opening up.

Yeah, so you probably don’t really care about all these crazy feelings I’ve had but wow,,,,,what a relief!

Okay.  Switching gears.  Well, I hope you are feeling much better and I’m sorry about you being stressed and sick and all stuff you’re having to deal with right now.

Okay, well I am going to Auburn today to do my mom’s side Christmas…except my mom won’t even be there because she’s got 45 plus inches of snow in Spokane.

Well.  Hope your Christmas was good and hope wife and son are doing okay.  You should drop a hint that she should email me if she hasn’t yet…but don’t get yourself into trouble.

Hasta manana,


p.s. oh thank God!

sense of loss

Let chat some more wife & son will be gone~

From: pez <@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Dec 29, 2008 at 9:56 AM
Subject: Chat with pez
To: him@gmail.com

9:39 AM me: Hi

 Amber: busy

9:40 AM me: too bad

  Amber: boss here

 me: Talk later

9:41 AM Okay


9:42 AM  Amber: ya

  hate me?

 me: No, why do you ask

9:46 AM  Amber: KEEP TALKING!

9:47 AM I can’t right now

  I’ll catch up in a sec

 me: I was just waiting to see what was going on

9:48 AM You said your boss was there. You know if you stop working then bosses won’t bother you.

 Amber: haha

9:49 AM me: What are you doing at work…don’t answer with working.

  Did you read my email?

9:51 AM  Amber: no

9:52 AM me: Well why not

  I gotta go at 10 am.

9:53 AM  Amber: oh


 me: I have some papers to notarize and filed.

9:54 AM  Amber: oh

  talk later?

 me: Sure.

9:55 AM  Amber: what time?

 me: What you doing Tuesday or Wednesday evening?

  Amber: uh


 me: Nice response

 Amber: yeah

  like that?

  miss you

 me: miss yiu too

  Amber: yiu too?


9:56 AM me: fat fingered again

  Amber: 🙂


  well are you busy later afternoon

  i’ll be online all day if you can




9:57 AM me: Today is a busy day. Wife and Son will be gone Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. They have winter camp at church.

9:58 AM  Amber: oh



  tomorrow what time?

  i’ll just be online ok?

 me: That what I would do

  Amber: ok?

9:59 AM me: I don’t know what time they are leaving tomorrow

  Amber: ok


  we’ll figure something out

10:00 AM me: okay

  Chat with you later

 Amber: ok

  good because my boss is right here

10:01 AM me: bye bye

 Amber: bye bye

10:03 AM like the email


Happy birthday to the both of you~ more of their emails….

From: pez @gmail.com>
Date: Sun, Dec 28, 2008 at 2:24 PM
To: him@gmail.com>

Happy belated birthday by the way.  I forgot to say that yesterday!  I like the goatee!!!!!  It looks great 😉  You look younger with it I think and it’s very cute 🙂  Couldn’t really say that at church.  So you must be over me now, huh?  You’re not talking to me anymore.  That’s okay.  I understand.  I had fun watching you watch the play today.  You looked like you were really enjoying yourself.  I had fun watching (our son)…Wow!  He was really belting it out, huh?  Well, after church I felt all lonely and stuff.  I hate this whole separating of the crowds that we caused 😦  I really wanted to go with you guys…..but that wouldn’t be so great.  You don’t have to answer or respond to me.  I just wanted to say hi. Hope job searching and finances are working out for you….I will continue to pray for you.
Okay, well hasta la pasta!

From: himgmail.com>
Date: Mon, Dec 29, 2008 at 9:39 AM
To: pez <@gmail.com>

Hey Silly,
You did say Happy Birthday at church yesterday. You know some people like the hairy face thing, but others aren’t sure what to think. I kinda like doing something different after all these years. You never know what will be next…shaved head or something. What do you mean I’m not talking to you anymore. I still am didn’t get much of a chance yesterday. You were watching, huh. How could you see from where you were sitting. There were to many people in the way. Yes, I did enjoy the choir thing. Each year our son is becoming more confident in his abilities. Jeff is threatening to move him to the bass section. Son does’t like the idea of moving down with Neil K. and Ed G. He doesn’t think he would have as much fun.
You know this retirement thing is kinda boring. I need to find something to keep busy. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday are winter camp at the church, so wife and son will not be around much. Oh well, guess I’ll just hang out.
Just for info. Wife didn’t question the amount of time I was away the other day when we met. We all went shopping when I got home. Did all my shopping in fifteen minutes. Pre-planning is the only way to go.

From: him@gmail.com>
Date: Tue, Dec 30, 2008 at 2:56 PM
To: pez <@gmail.com>

Call me at home around 630 tonight   (bastard had her call our home!!!!!!!)

The curse of an aching heart

Frank Sinatra sang this~

The curse of an aching heart

You made me think you cared for me,

And I believed in you.

You told me things you never meant,

And made me think them true

I gambled in the game of love,

I played my heart and lost.

I’m now a wreck, Upon life’s sea,

Alone I pay the cost.

You made me what I am today
I hope you’re satisfied
You dragged and dragged me down
Until the soul within me died

You’ve shattered each and every dream
Fooled me right from the start
And though you’re not true, may God bless you
That’s the curse of an aching heart

You made me what I am today

I should hope you’re satisfied
You dragged, you dragged me down
Until the soul within me died.

The dreams I dreamed of future joys,

You smiled on, and though you knew,

Deep down with in your faithless heart,

They never would come true,

Still further on you lead me

Till my paradise I saw,

Then with one word you banished

all my hopes for ever more.



Lets talk at church, or else where, hey aren’t you with your husband?

From: Ms. Pez <amber@gmail.com>
Date: Fri, Dec 19, 2008 at 6:43 PM

These messages were sent while you were offline.
6:43 PM amber: Fine, then I won’t see you Wednesday. Sorry you’re not okay. Hope you can still get a job at the hospital. If I get an email explaining what happened, then that’s great. If you don’t want to talk weds then I guess I won’t talk to you.

From: Quai <husband@gmail.com>
Date: Sat, Dec 20, 2008 at 3:50 AM
To: “Ms. Pez” <amber@gmail.com>

So that is how it is, huh? Yes, I want to talk, but I don’t want restrictions.

From: Husband@gmail.com>
Date: Sat, Dec 20, 2008 at 4:07 AM
To: “Ms. Pez” <Amber@gmail.com>

Where are you accessing your email. I thought you were going to Kalaloch. The anniversary trip with her husband
What happened to what you said in your earlier chat:
Pez: i love you and good luck
byePez: kiss
Makes me wonder!!!!!!!!!!!!

From: Husband@gmail.com>
Date: Sat, Dec 20, 2008 at 4:08 AM
To: “Ms. Pez” <@gmail.com>

This is one of those cases where we need to talk in person, or somebody is going to say something to make us both angry.
From: Husband@gmail.com>
Date: Sat, Dec 20, 2008 at 4:20 AM
To: “Ms. Pez” <@gmail.com>

4:18 am and I cannot sleep. How are you sleeping?

From: husband@gmail.com>
Date: Sat, Dec 20, 2008 at 5:51 AM
To: “Ms. Pez” <@gmail.com>

Wednesday is Christmas Eve thus I do not believe youth or chior will be happening. Since I no longer have to go to work, maybe I can get away on another day. Let me know what works for you.



A career out the door~

So, 32 years in Law Enforcement….an honorable profession, he received just about everything you could be honored with. He held numerous positions and was in many different levels of authority.

Everything he stood for, everything about him that turned my head that first night and made me sick to stomach the night I met him is in the toilet.

His former boss ( the only other person I have come close to hating) will even try to take away his commission. He tried and failed. He retired, he was not fired whether the chief was going to do so or not did not matter he retired.

I flash back to his coming home having just been told he was under suspension, with pay. I had never seen him with out his car or gun belt when in uniform. He looked stripped, naked. I try to remember if he had seen her that night or not. I’m sure he did. Then he emailed her that afternoon.

Later when it comes time after he retires, chief demands the return immediately of any police dept. items. I sat on the floor in the bedroom sobbing, carefully cutting off his name tags and Sgt. stripes off his uniform before I had to turn it in. He commented they were just uniforms,, I told him they meant more to me than that. They represented who he was. But he was blind, they were in full swing now and she was all that was on his mind.

I asked the chief if I could like has always been done, buy his Sgt. Badge. I was told with no uncertainly no, return it now! So his last badge, Sgt. Badge, I never got. No shadow box now…..


Well he now has retired ` was I worth it? What the eff!!

From: Ms. Pez <amber@gmail.com>
Date: Fri, Dec 19, 2008 at 3:38 PM
To: Husband@gmail.com

3:38 PM me: I am now retired

From: Ms. Pez <Amber@gmail.com>
Date: Fri, Dec 19, 2008 at 3:38 PM
To: Husband@gmail.com

These messages were sent while you were offline
3:38 PM amber: really? that bad huh?
3:43 PM I’m terribly sorry!
3:45 PM I feel horrible about all this! 😦
  are you okay?
  Are you going to work for the hospital?
3:46 PM do you hate me?
  was it worth it? WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I still cant believe she said that!!

6 minutes
3:52 PM Amber: I’m sure you’ll explain in detail when you are free to. Thanks.

27 minutes
4:19 PM Amber: goodbye darling. I am on my way. I hope to come back to a nice email or a nice weds conversation with no kissing. 🙂

From: Husband@gmail.com>
Date: Fri, Dec 19, 2008 at 5:46 PM
To: “Ms. Pez” <Amber@gmail.com>

No, I am not okay. Will be, but it will take a day or two. Not sure what’s next. Only the Lord knows. If there is no kissing then as far as I am concerned then Wednesday’s are out. I would like my photo back. (There’s more to this story about his photo)

3:38 PM Pez: really? that bad huh?
3:52 PM Pez: I’m sure you’ll explain in detail when you are free to. Thanks.

27 minutes
4:19 PM Pez: goodbye darling. I am on my way. I hope to come back to a nice email or a nice weds conversation with no kissing. 🙂

From: husband@gmail.com>
Date: Fri, Dec 19, 2008 at 5:50 PM
To: “Ms. Pez” <Amber@gmail.com>

I do want a front photo also. Maybe not by email.    (she sent hi the from the back nude photo for Christmas)

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