Which cheater am I

This was the attachment to their last email~

Why men and woman cheat. Not all affairs are alike; some are even accidental.

Day after day in my office I see men and women who have been messing around. They lead secret lives, as they hide themselves from their marriages. They go through wrenching divorces, inflicting pain on their children and their children’s children. Or they make desperate, tearful, sweaty efforts at holding on to the shreds of a life they’ve betrayed. They tell me they have gone through all of this for a quick thrill or a furtive moment of romance. Sometimes they tell me they don’t remember making the decision that tore apart their life: “It just happened.” Sometimes they don’t even know they are being unfaithful. (I tell them: “If you don’t know whether what you are doing is an infidelity or not, ask your spouse.”) From the outside looking in, it is insane. How could anyone risk everything in life on the turn of a screw? Infidelity was not something people did much in my family, so I always found it strange and noteworthy when people did it in my practice. After almost 30 years of cleaning up the mess after other people’s affairs, I wrote a book describing everything about infidelity I’d seen in my practice. The book was Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy (Norton). I thought it might help. Even if the tragedy of AIDS and the humiliation of prominent politicians hadn’t stopped it, surely people could not continue screwing around after reading about the absurd destructiveness of it. As you know, people have not stopped having affairs. But many of them feel the need to write or call or drop by and talk to me about it. When I wrote Private Lies, I thought I knew everything there was to know about infidelity. But I know now that there is even more.

Accidental Infidelity

All affairs are not alike. The thousands of affairs I’ve seen seem to fall into four broad categories. Most first affairs are cases of accidental infidelity, unintended and uncharacteristic acts of carelessness that really did “just happen.” Someone will get drunk, will get caught up in the moment—will just be having a bad day. It can happen to anyone, though some people are more accident prone than others, and some situations are accident zones.

Many times a young man has started his career as a philanderer quite accidentally when he is traveling out of town on a new job with a philandering boss who chooses one of a pair of women and expects the young fellow to entertain the other. The most startling dynamic behind accidental infidelity is misplaced politeness, the feeling that it would be rude to turn down a needy friend’s sexual advances. In the debonair gallantry of the moment, the brazen discourtesy to the marriage partner is overlooked altogether.

Both men and women can slip up and have accidental affairs, though the most accident-prone are those who drink, those who travel, those who don’t get asked much, those who don’t feel very tightly married, those whose running buddies screw around, and those who are afraid to run from a challenge. Most are men.

After an accidental infidelity, there is clearly the sense that one’s life and marriage have changed. The choices are:

  1. To decide that infidelity was a stupid thing to do, to confess it or not to do so, but to resolve to take better precautions in the future;
  2. To decide you wouldn’t have done such a thing unless your husband or wife had let you down, put the blame on your mate, and go home and pick your marriage to death;
  3. To notice that lightning did not strike you dead, decide this would be a safe and inexpensive hobby to take up, and do it some more;
  4. To decide that you would not have done such a thing if you were married to the right person, determine that this was meant to be, and declare yourself in love with the stranger in the bed.

Romantic Infidelity

Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don’t screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can’t continue living your life, and aren’t quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate—someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own—is so crazily stimulating that it’s like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or “dumsels” in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.

People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born—any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads—at least for a while.

Emotionally Retarded Men in Love

About the only people more dangerous than philandering men going through life with an open fly and romantic damsels going through life in perennial distress, are emotionally retarded men in love. When such men go through a difficult transition in life, they hunker down and ignore all emotions. Their brain chemistry gets depressed, but they don’t know how to feel it as depression. Their loved ones try to keep from bothering them, try to keep things calm and serene and isolate them further.

An emotionally retarded man may go for a time without feeling pleasure, pain, or anything else, until a strange woman jerks him back into awareness of something intense enough for him to feel it—perhaps sexual fireworks, or the boyish heroics of rescuing her, or perhaps just fascination with her constantly changing moods and never-ending emotional crises.

With her, he can pull out of his depression briefly, but he sinks back even deeper into it when he is not with her. He is getting addicted to her, but he doesn’t know that. He only feels the absence of joy and love and life with his serenely cautious wife and kids, and the awareness of life with this new woman. It doesn’t work for him to leave home to be with her, as she too would grow stale and irritating if she were around full time.

What he needs is not a crazier woman to sacrifice his life for, but treatment for his depression. However, since the best home remedies for depression are sex, exercise, joy, and triumph, the dangerous damsel may be providing one or more of them in a big enough dose to make him feel a lot better. He may feel pretty good until he gets the bill, and sees how much of his life and the lives of his loved ones this treatment is costing. Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last long.

Men are able to approach sex more casually than women, a factor not only of the patriarchal double standard but also of the difference between having genitals on the outside and having them on the inside. Getting laid for all the wrong reasons is a lot less dangerous than falling in love with all the wrong people.

Men who get caught screwing around are more likely to be honest about the sex than women. Men will confess the full sexual details, even if they are vague about the emotions. Women on the other hand will confess to total consuming love and suicidal desire to die with some man, while insisting no sex ever took place. I would believe that if I’d ever seen a man describe the affair as so consumingly intense from the waist up and so chaste from the waist down. I assume these women are lying to me about what they know they did or did not do, while I assume that the men really are honest about the genital ups and downs—and honestly confused about the emotional ones.

Women are more likely to discuss their love affairs with their women friends. Philandering men may turn their sex lives into a spectator sport but romantic men tend to keep their love life private from their men friends, and often just withdraw from their friends during the romance.

On the other hand, women are not more romantic than men. Men in love are every bit as foolish and a lot more naive than women in love. They go crazier and risk more. They are far more likely to sacrifice or abandon their children to prove their love to some recent affaire. They are more likely to isolate themselves from everyone except their affair partner, and turn their thinking and feeling over to her, applying her romantic ways of thinking (or not thinking) to the dilemmas of his increasingly chaotic life.


I thought you were caught!!

From: Ms. Pez < Amber@gmail.com>
Wed, Dec 24, 2008 at 9:18 AM
To: Him

These messages were sent while you were offline.

9:18 AM  Amber: some kind of confirmation that you’re not dead or that’s everything’s okay would be really nice here because now I am really worried.
From: him@gmail.com
Date: Sat,
Dec 27, 2008 at 3:22 AM
To: “Ms. Pez” <

Hi, everything is fine. I didn’t mean to worry you. Many things have been going on the past couple of days. Mainly, I have been sick… a rare thing that is not a lot of fun. I feel like have been sleeping 15 hours a day in 3 or 4 hours shifts. Between my not feeling well, my trying to solve my own problems and having no time to myself during the past few days I have been out of touch. How was your Christmas? Hope things are welll with you.

9:18 AM Pez: some kind of confirmation that you’re not dead or that’s everything’s okay would be really nice here because now I am really worried.

From: pez < Amber@gmail.com>
Sat, Dec 27, 2008 at 9:06 AM
To: him


Not thank God that you were sick by any means (of course not) but I am just SO THANKFUL, SO THANKFUL, SO THANKFUL, that everything’s ok.  Holy smokes.  You have NO IDEA how much I’ve been freaking out the last week.  Last I talked to you was Monday and you were sounding so unsure about answering the multiple questions and these were my thoughts:

1) well, Wife must have found out and the inquisition is probably lasting all night long….that’s of course why he can’t get online to tell me

2) (next morning)-well…..hmmmm…oh no!  She must have kicked him out of the house!  OH MY GOSH!

3) well wait….if she kicked him out of the house he would’ve gone to his mom’s and she has internet….so that can’t be it.

4) Maybe he got in an accident!

5) Maybe he’s in the hospital!!! Should I call the hospital???? NO!  I can’t do that….because Wife would be there and she would wonder how the hell I knew he was in the hospital.

6) (Christmas Eve night) I know what it is…I hurt his feelings and he’s just trying to not talk to me because that’s what he thinks I want.  He’s trying to do the right thing….Well God bless his soul!…..but what a jerk because he’s not even telling me things are okay!  Oh Thank God things are okay.

7) Well, I’ll still check my email just in case but I’m pretty sure he just won’t email me.  Maybe I can corner him at church and force him to tell me if things are okay.

Not to mention God really used this time to kick my ars!  I was so consumed with worry it was killing me.  I literally couldn’t get away from the guilt and worry.  About Christmas Eve is when I decided I can’t do this anymore (worry) and I just started praising God.  So everytime worry came, I kicked it’s ass out!  Then God showed me I really really really don’t want Bambi to lose trust in me especially after all this has happened with her opening up.

Yeah, so you probably don’t really care about all these crazy feelings I’ve had but wow,,,,,what a relief!

Okay.  Switching gears.  Well, I hope you are feeling much better and I’m sorry about you being stressed and sick and all stuff you’re having to deal with right now.

Okay, well I am going to Auburn today to do my mom’s side Christmas…except my mom won’t even be there because she’s got 45 plus inches of snow in Spokane.

Well.  Hope your Christmas was good and hope wife and son are doing okay.  You should drop a hint that she should email me if she hasn’t yet…but don’t get yourself into trouble.

Hasta manana,


p.s. oh thank God!

sense of loss

Let chat some more wife & son will be gone~

From: pez <@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Dec 29, 2008 at 9:56 AM
Subject: Chat with pez
To: him@gmail.com

9:39 AM me: Hi

 Amber: busy

9:40 AM me: too bad

  Amber: boss here

 me: Talk later

9:41 AM Okay


9:42 AM  Amber: ya

  hate me?

 me: No, why do you ask

9:46 AM  Amber: KEEP TALKING!

9:47 AM I can’t right now

  I’ll catch up in a sec

 me: I was just waiting to see what was going on

9:48 AM You said your boss was there. You know if you stop working then bosses won’t bother you.

 Amber: haha

9:49 AM me: What are you doing at work…don’t answer with working.

  Did you read my email?

9:51 AM  Amber: no

9:52 AM me: Well why not

  I gotta go at 10 am.

9:53 AM  Amber: oh


 me: I have some papers to notarize and filed.

9:54 AM  Amber: oh

  talk later?

 me: Sure.

9:55 AM  Amber: what time?

 me: What you doing Tuesday or Wednesday evening?

  Amber: uh


 me: Nice response

 Amber: yeah

  like that?

  miss you

 me: miss yiu too

  Amber: yiu too?


9:56 AM me: fat fingered again

  Amber: 🙂


  well are you busy later afternoon

  i’ll be online all day if you can




9:57 AM me: Today is a busy day. Wife and Son will be gone Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. They have winter camp at church.

9:58 AM  Amber: oh



  tomorrow what time?

  i’ll just be online ok?

 me: That what I would do

  Amber: ok?

9:59 AM me: I don’t know what time they are leaving tomorrow

  Amber: ok


  we’ll figure something out

10:00 AM me: okay

  Chat with you later

 Amber: ok

  good because my boss is right here

10:01 AM me: bye bye

 Amber: bye bye

10:03 AM like the email


Another late night letter to my husband (very intimate)

October 7, 2008

Hi love,

It is a bit difficult to write today as you have not had the chance to read yesterday’s journal. I think I left off with waiting for you to come home after your meeting. I don’t think ether of us saw the meeting taking so long. Once Tharen was up I waited a bit longer and then went to bed and waited for you to come home. Long night of water bailing, thankfully we can do it and not come home to a mess, or wake to one as before.

What a lunch break, eh? As I said in yesterday’s journal your lunch break was a whirlwind of emotions. I spent a great deal of time looking up information after you left and until I went to bed, looking for direction, is the sex to early, can we not just jump ahead ,where do I go for help? I had to click out of my research as I do not want our son to stumble on to anything, he won’t understand and I promised him that if it was important or reflected on him in any way I would tell him so. I lied. So he must not find out what’s up.

Back to the lunch break. There’s a whirlwind of emotions, from ecstasy to raw fear to mind trips to pleasure and back again. You told me I did not have to take you in your jumpsuit and we could wait. You do not understand that for me right now waiting means never again. It means heading for where it won’t matter it will all be lost. So many firsts were accomplished in the last two months and they are so intertwined into each other and our lives. We have always christened a home, furniture, car and the likes of. But the patrol car was off limits as was on duty, only twice before and I made you drop your pants in the bedroom and the other was masturbation through the eye hole of your underwear in your uniform pants. Those were the we cant wait until your off work.

I unbuckled you gun belt. Stoking and teasing was my only plan, fire you up, let you go back to work so that you would then be ready when you got home, ready for me. The single handed click of the belt buckle seems deafening in our home and you have heard it in your dreams when awake. You unbuckled your belt faster than I could say stop, I made it through and you were, I think a happy man, satisfied when you left. A sad wife was left behind knowing that your gun belt had been unfastened quickly for her too. A few times and while on duty.

Your home now. What a good morning, okay it is safe to say that you are getting serious about your fore play. So much was racing through my brain, groin or should I say genitalia. The only thing that could have made that morning better would have been you kissing and looking at me. I kept asking myself why you are doing this. I keep fearing there’s an attempt to try to make me forget, forgive. You have never done this to me before, why now, where did you learn this…..oh please just let me enjoy and worry later..


Pre- affair babble

I plan on posting today but I thought I would jot down something quickly. People finding there way here are landing here due to tag words. Finding my pre-affair babbling might be confusing. I’m writing  for my self to see how and why I’m here. Am I following a pattern of stupidity or actual ignorance . I’m still filling in the blanks, the re-edits.

My first husband found himself caught up with the  losers of sales rep’s we had as partners in an auto business we had. Guess you got drunk and cheated, that was part of the job?  Two of the wife’s didn’t care, they were older maybe used to it? They had hit the oh well that’s the way it is syndrome, no longer cared. I did, and once figured out what he really was doing, my feelings were waning rapidly. Honey, we need to get a round of shots here, you know follows that yeast infection. Should have gone back to the doctor, they would have told me nope not yeast. Remember  now stupid. A new job, friends and a place to go, I went. I loved him dearly, guess you could say in away still do, I think we were more friends tho.

I didn’t really talk much about him before in my blog, I just jumped into the night life and the changes that came about. But he was there for two difficult times. We went through the hope of a in vetro baby but my doctor was pretty clear that was a long way off specially for the states.( Irony here Louise Brown a baby girl was born in England almost a year after my surgery) .So here came the 2nd surgery taking the uterus, The endometriosis was going to get worse why go through that. Why thank you leaving one ovary. Take this red pill and you will feel better and not go through the changes. What changes? Never noticed any changes stop taking the pill, still no changes. Why take it. The next 10 plus years with out that little red pill/estrogen will bring about serious bone loss. Osteoporosis.,  Breast surgery for a large lump. More of that nightmare will rare up again and there will be a second breast surgery. This marriage was a love story but not a “in” love story.

My real “in”-love story is coming and with it’s luggage is horrendous, actually indescribable pain. This won’t be an ache, this will a knife to the heart and what appears to be now, un-healable, like a cancer  in your heart, you just wait for it to take effect.