This was one of the letters I wrote to my husband and he could not answer the “how do I”‘s, I still struggle with so many of them and the damn pain at time seems as deep as before~
Funny how things work out eh? You stated that it was easier for you to read than listen and it is easier for me to write how I feel to someone who does not understand me. Maybe I should write each night until I am empty and have nothing left to give or say. Once I start writing it just pours out like bile from my gut. It feels horrid and there are so very many emotions entangled with in the weave of this entire nightmare. Actually it is my nightmare, not yours, not Ambers, not even Corey. His wife was suppose to be my friend, co-worker, sister in Christ. You my husband of twenty seven years. I guess I will just keep writing until you ether leave or I do.
I keep wanting/trying to explain what I am feeling. Maybe I should not have to. Much is out of a deep seated fear that will not go away. That knot in my stomach each time I wake and there’s the fear you might not be there, or come home, or your cell phone rings while in your patrol car.
It is another stab to my heart when you can not fathom why it was so nerve exploding difficult for me to get into the car. Sorry as crude as it sounds, but it was a rolling bedroom for a month, a private meeting room with reclining beds. Exactly one week ago, she was bent over, in your lap, stretched out, leaning over with her face in your crotch after asking to please you and after Or maybe before you had your hand in her pants. Sad so very heart ripping that at the moment you had your hand in her pants you did not notice this does not feel like “my name”, your wife. All the chatting and the talk of loving spouse’s with just the opposite thoughts in your heads. Pawing at one another. You even had your own little lovers parking area. One week later the mercy ride, throw a good dog a bone, six hour ride, one hour for each week she has been in your car. Your trying to forget and I cant get past I am going to throw up every time I think of the two of you together. I do want to ask her, just how did you get him to kiss you night after night hours at a whack? He wont kiss his wife. The most visible car out there and he has you tucked away in it.. Sex in his patrol car, he does not even want to pick up or drop off his son in his patrol car, but he will secretly pick you up and drive off to your little spot. How do you get a little spot? Where do you order this?
Both of you had been warned even in Ambers letter to me she repeats how many times, she knew she was wrong and choose to ignore it and move on in. She did plan this, always had. She wanted to take someone’s, anyone’s husband away, wanted to know if she could. Sorry to say that girl has problems with her marriage, not with vanity, self worth or any other excuses. She said her self she looks in the mirror and sees a very pretty woman that other men would and do desire. It was not about other men finding her attractive, she wanted to get to/at Corey. You were the ultimate challenge. Our marriage was perfect, she said. We appeared to have a healthy and happy sex life, she said. Oral sex was not considered taboo, we found a great deal of pleasure in it. She scored. She got my marriage, my sex life, my husband. Imagine wanting to hug your husband or stoke his leg or all the little ideas that go through your head, but crap she has just done them all, now what, copy cat, appear desperate? Or what joy I can trigger a memory and bam take you right back with her. You told me you know who your with, I guess tho you don’t know who you are not suppose to be with.
Your reactions to her are a knife unto my heart. You still see no wrong in what she has done. You both did consider it an affair. News to me, she said of the heart you said I dunno. You told each other you loved each other( as of this night you have yet to say you loved me.) , a couple kissing goodnight, smiles on your faces, sweet thoughts about touching each other, straightening the clothes as you headed back to the poor unsuspecting saps at home. She came home with you on her lips and you came home with her on your hand and you both climbed into bed with your spouses and did not even have the courteously to shower off the sex of one another. I struggle with the fact you still have such a lift in your voice about her. She screwed her “dear” her word not mine, friends husband. Lied about it and has had umpteen excuses for her sin and not once have you said one negative thing about her.
You needed to know that you were attractive? You say you still don’t believe it, but hey bud you went along for the ride anyway. What did she find attractive about you, you ask, I can list a lot of it off the danger in a patrol car with another woman’s husband, some place you are not suppose to be…..So I did not make you feel attractive, wanted, virile, sexually attractive, what you could do to me meant nothing to you. What else did you want?? Did you find it with her? If so please tell me what she did that 27 years could not. How did she in two months time bring you to this low? That you might be lifted up to feel better about yourself?? Now ..
I want you to tell me…..
How do I make myself feel wanted by anyone? My husband sure did not want me
How do I make myself attractive? My husband does not think so
How do I convince my self I am not a looser, a failure at marriage?
How do I lift up my spirits? Do I need to go and screw Corey? Maybe in one of the big trucks, we could have our
own place somewhere up on Hurricane Rd.
How do I get past the sense of loss at a part of our lovemaking was made dirty in the front seat of a car? Yup that’s right we always made love, not sex, passionate lovemaking. But you had to go looking for affirmation else where.
How do I get past the pain of my body desiring you, hungry for you, my body turns on me, at your control and whim.
How do I get past you saying nothing was going to happen you would not let it? It appears to me you wanted it to happen and you let it.
How do I get past the embarrassment of trying to add more to our lovemaking, you were not interested
How do I get past the embarrassment when I think back to the night that you started thinking you were in love and you did not even want to touch me.
How do I get past the embarrassment of you telling our son, you did not cheat on his mother, would not do that
How do I hide my shame at not being able to keep my husband in my bed?
How do I hide the same that my husband can say I love you to someone he does not really know and I have to ask him to tell me he does?
How do I hide the shame that another woman knows every inch of your penis???
How do I come to terms with this was not a one night thing, just sex, it was preplanned, thought out, when where how and more. You both saw, see it as an affair. One that I guess started earlier than anyone else thought and ended only because you were caught
How do I hide my shame from my friends and family that I could not keep my husband satisfied, he had to find companionship else where to feel like a man?
How do I convince my self to live like these past two months did not happen?
How do I convince my self, he says it will never happen again when it did over and over again.
How do I convince myself you won’t lie to me again. I don’t even know when the last time was I was told the truth? You believe that it is best not to tell someone something if it is going to hurt or upset them?
How do I convince myself that I am not stupid, even as I warned people what was happening and all could see it was playing out, but they were all smarter and bright and I did not know what I was talking about.
How do I convince myself you care at all? You have not for two months maybe more.
How do I convince my self it will never happen again? She wants back into our lives now!! She still has a hole left she wants you to fill.
How do I tell my self I will be able to breath again and it wont hurt.
How do I convince my self that your desire is unto me. Took me twenty years to believe you desired me not just anyone. Back to square one again. Anyone came make you stand up….
How do I get past that you have said you don’t want us to go anywhere, not that it will hurt you, you just don’t want it. Not that your life would crumble in on it self, like mine.
Ho do I get past you can not even grasp the depth of my pain. That you have not tried to understand it, you just pretend it never happened.
How do I get past the fear that once things settle down and you no longer fear being caught that you don’t go back to her?
How do I get past, creating life, carrying a baby in my womb only to have it die and yet I would rather loose more babies than face what I have lost here.
How do I begin to feel like a woman again. I have lost all of it John. You two, supposedly (funny at the same time eh?) were looking for just what you took from me.
How am I suppose to go on with my life like nothing happened to protect two people who reaped the benefits of their actions.
This list could go one for hours maybe I should just give a copy of this to Amber to fill her in on how I am feeling instead of trying to figure out how to express it with out letting her know she won. She took something that can NEVER be returned. We can NEVER go back. It took just a couple of hours during a two month game to destroy everything we had built. Nether one of you can even understand what I am going through, people take their lives over these things.
Here’s what I want from you:
I want you to start trying to do something…anything…..you have told me you don’t know what to do, so you do nothing. You listen to me sob until I throwing up. You do nothing.
I want you to tell me you will do what ever it is going to take to make me feel safe again.
I want you to say and actually mean it, that You will do what ever it takes to make me feel like a woman again.
To make me feel desired wanted by someone, anyone.
I want, when it is true for you to look me in the eye and tell me with no doubt at all, you do not desire her, want her, need her.
I want you to tell me you do not need another woman in your life to make you feel complete, a man.
I want you